Despite Everything

New Blog is up!

2010-08-06T11:28:00.001+01:00

http://brattleroyal.wordpress.com/

Come join us!

Bringing down the blog

2010-05-20T16:22:00.002+01:00

Ok my lovelies. This blog is on it's way out.

We will be moving to a 'family' blog in September. Until then, there will be no more updates on Despite Everything. It has never really felt like home and I am excited for all the changes this year is bringing.

Onwards and upwards.

Check back for the new blog address to be announced on August 1.

Friday I'm in Love!

2010-04-23T22:25:00.003+01:00

This week has been an incredible roller coaster. Today (and yesterday) have been marvelous. So much love for the weekend. Without further ado...

01. NEW BIKE. Technically it's for my birthday which is approximately 10 days away. But it's built and gorgeous and comfortable and squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
02. Gardening. So relaxing. I spent all Thursday afternoon loving on my little garden. It holds up well to my neglect.
03. Old Bay is my most favourite-ist potato wedge/french fry flavour ever. It just oozes nostalgia and delicious. My favourite dinners lately have Old Bay wedges (once every week or two).
04. The sunny weather that England has been enjoying has made my garden and my mental health grow stronger.
05. I love when I go to the gym and just go all out for the whole 90-120 minutes I'm there. It makes me feel so invigourated, healthy and whole. (I have been pretty lax on the gym lately...bad.)

Songs this week: (down from bands/artists, I am on a repeating songs phase.)

01. Dr Frankenstein by Jack Savoretti
02. Will you return? by The Avett Brothers
03. Paranoia in B-Flat Major by The Avett Brothers
04. Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons
05. Ghost by Bombay Bicycle Club

Off cycling on Sunday, so look forward to a photo post sometime next week!

Holy Friday, Batman!

2010-04-16T16:49:00.003+01:00

It's already Friday?! Man, the weeks are passing quickly! C and I have been engaged for over a year now.

Today has been stressful. I am trying to do quite a bit of wedding buying/paying deposits now that most everything has been planned. I use an American bank card for this...until I couldn't use it today! So there was some drama. I have used it relatively easily until now.

It has been sorted out, but I was pretty tense for a few hours.

This week's five:

01. Roast chicken. So delicious.
02. Plants are growing like crazy. I can't wait to put them out in the garden.
03. Being under budget on food shopping. I love deals.
04. New dress. Hopefully party worthy. (for rehearsal dinner, etc)
05. The library. I have a goal of reading 75 books before my 26th birthday (May 2011) and I am already ten down. So 65 to go.

Music is roughly the same as last week. With a resurgence of Allo Darlin'.

Five for Friday

2010-04-09T15:11:00.003+01:00

a. Warm weather. Says it all.
b. Generous friends and family. Thank you! We love you!
c. Progress on wedding stuff. Big and small.
d. Talking to Lindsay. Makes my day.
e. Music is such a salve for the soul. It makes every day that little bit brighter.

Music: Mumford & Sons, The Avett Brothers, Bombay Bicycle Club, Jack Savoretti, The Middle East, John Butler Trio.

Friday Five & Music

2010-04-02T20:57:00.004+01:00

01. Homemade curry for dinner. Delish.
02. Cleaning, cleaning and cleaning. The flat is looking sparkly.
03. New seeds planted, hopefully they grow and it warms up so I can move my little greenhouse operation outside.
04. Invitation mock up looking great. I am excited that we decided to do these ourselves.
05. Great workout this A.M., despite the gym opening late for Good Friday. I can run for 13 minutes now!!

Music this week: The Avett Brothers (Emotionalism); Mumford & Sons; The Cinematic Orchestra (To Make a Home)

Five For Friday

2010-03-26T20:56:00.000Z

01. Milkshake (Oreo & Reese's). Not in the wedding dress plan, but sometimes indulgence is good.
02. Good books. I finished The Year of Pleasures by Elizabeth Berg today. I've already started reading it again. SO GOOD.
03. Started booking honeymoon things! Wheee!
04. Babysitting is fun!
05. I heard from my dad (he's in Afghanistan right now) and that made me feel a lot better. I was seriously stressing about it.

On having a no good, very bad, day.

2010-03-23T21:45:00.004Z

Sometimes it's little things that build up over a long time and one day, you suddenly want to tear your hair out.

Sometimes there doesn't seem to be any reason to have a bad day. You had a good night's sleep, you've been exercising regularly and eating well. Things in life are generally smooth and you have been rolling with the silly or annoying little things that happen. But then it hits you; a terrible, no good, very bad day. And it bites.

Where did it come from? Why are you losing patience quicker than you can blink? Swallowing that tearful lump growing in your throat?

Today, I have been having one of those kind of days. The kind where I actually wish I could walk out of work, no questions asked and just turn up tomorrow like nothing happened. The sort of day where I should have just stayed in bed, because the stress was not worth the effort.

So, Tuesday, 23 March 2010, I quit today. You were a rubbish day and brought me little but grief and stress. I want tomorrow to be better. I want to have a happy, cheerful day.

The best part of today was a 'love note' from my momma and kashi go lean! crunch cereal. I think that made it bearable. Just about.

I wonder what other people do when they are having a bad day? Drink? Spend money?

Freitag

2010-03-19T22:57:00.003Z

1. Lots of gymming. Lovely. And productive! I'm finding muscles I never knew existed!
2. Wedding meeting today, which made me feel pretty good about things, despite my feeling of utter procrastination and apathy about doing anything. (I'm excited for the wedding, just lazy!)
3. Plants, flowers and sun! My seedlings of foxglove, calendula and sweet pea are growing like crazy!
4. Frogs! in the garden! (I haven't seen a frog in the 'wild' since I moved to England 4.5 years ago)
5. 3 hour nap this afternoon. It was delicious, even though I did miss pilates because of it.

Vendredi

2010-03-12T19:27:00.003Z

01. Babysitting for a very cute 16 month old. The extra money is nice, too.
02. Plants are growing like CRAZY in the propagator. They cannot go outside for another 2-3 weeks!
03. 3-day weekend is the best thing about my job.
04. Finished a knitting project in 1.5 hours whilst waiting with a resident at the hospital.
05. C has a new job!!! (this is the best thing that has happened this week. so so so so so excited.)

Friday Funday

2010-03-05T11:20:00.003Z

Hooray for Friday!

1. Girls night tonight.
2. Sewing machines have gone for repair. Should be right as rain by next week. w00t.
3. Growing plants for an awesome summer garden. Excitement.
4. Cheaper, lovelier wedding shoes. I love a bargain.
5. 3 day week. A good time.

Friday's back, back again.

2010-02-26T23:36:00.003Z

This has been a productive week. I have felt good all week, minus the lovely cold virus clogging up my sinuses.

Maybe it's because the weather's changing. Or because I had an epiphany last week. Or because I am more committed to the gym than ever. (Yes, I did go to the gym with a cold. I washed my hands prior to working out and used alcogel. Also, I wipe down the machines I've used, unlike all my gym comrades.)

Whatever the reason that this week was good, I hope it continues. I will keep on with the gym and trying to stay organised in the hope that it will keep me from feeling like the week has passed without accomplishment.

This week's five:

1. New music coming to me. (What Amazon addiction?! Who? Me?) Any other suggestions?
2. Hannah's pancakes. Om nom nom.
3. Tidy flat. Mostly. (If only the piles of clean laundry would sort, fold and hang themselves.)
4. Flexible-ish work schedule.
5. Thank you cards/notes for the little things. So nice.

Listening to: Avett Brothers, Be Good Tanyas, The Middle East, The Everybodyfields, Jack Savoretti and Xavier Rudd

in which she muses about the direction of blogging...

2010-02-26T13:15:00.002Z

I have so many things to write down. Yet it never gets done. I can never get myself organised enough, life gets busy, I get more disorganised and/or unmotivated and then I forget what was so important that I wanted to say. It's a dreadful cycle.

I am troubled by how much I should actually say on this blog. Who reads? Would I want my mother or grandmother to read some of my opinionated rants? There is a fine line that I think I should tread, though I am uncertain where the line is.

Putting very personal and emotional stories out here would be more straightforward. However, most of my family and C's family are not emotional exhibitionists like myself. Again, the struggle with the line. Where is it? If I am giving voice to my experiences and possibly C's as well, does that create difficulty for family (potentially) reading this blog?

It is very unclear where the line is on all these things. That said, I am going to continue with my Friday Fives, and mull over where this blog will be going. If it is going anywhere.

something different.

2010-02-19T21:06:00.004Z

it's friday. and i have my five. but first i want everyone out there reading this blip in cyberspace, my tiny space in the worldwide web, to read this outloud. this is for you.

"Say Yes" Andrea Gibson

when two violins are placed in a room
if a chord on one violin is struck
the other violin will sound the note
if this is your definition of hope
this is for you
the ones who know how powerful we are
who know we can sound the music in the people around us
simply by playing our own strings
for the ones who sing life into broken wings
open their chests and offer their breath
as wind on a still day when nothing seems to be moving
spare those intent on proving god is dead
for you when your fingers are red
from clutching your heart
so it will beat faster
for the time you mastered the art of giving yourself for the sake of someone else
for the ones who have felt what it is to crush the lies
and lift truth so high the steeples bow to the sky
this is for you
this is also for the people who wake early to watch flowers bloom
who notice the moon at noon on a day when the world
has slapped them in the face with its lack of light
for the mothers who feed their children first
and thirst for nothing when they’re full

this is for women
and for the men who taught me only women bleed with the moon
but there are men who cry when women bleed
men who bleed from women’s wounds
and this is for that moon
on the nights she seems hung by a noose
for the people who cut her loose
and for the people still waiting for the rope to burn
about to learn they have scissors in their hands

this is for the man who showed me
the hardest thing about having nothing
is having nothing to give
who said the only reason to live is to give ourselves away
so this is for the day we’ll quit or jobs and work for something real
we’ll feel for sunshine in the shadows
look for sunrays in the shade
this is for the people who rattle the cage that slave wage built
and for the ones who didn’t know the filth until tonight
but right now are beginning songs that sound something like
people turning their porch lights on and calling the homeless back home

this is for all the shit we own
and for the day we’ll learn how much we have
when we learn to give that shit away
this is for doubt becoming faith
for falling from grace and climbing back up
for trading our silver platters for something that matters
like the gold that shines from our hands when we hold each other

this is for the grandmother who walked a thousand miles on broken glass
to find that single patch of grass to plant a family tree
where the fruit would grow to laugh
for the ones who know the math of war
has always been subtraction
so they live like an action of addition
for you when you give like every star is wishing on you
and for the people still wishing on stars
this is for you too

this is for the times you went through hell so someone else wouldn’t have to
for the time you taught a 14 year old girl she was powerful
this is for the time you taught a 14 year old boy he was beautiful
for the radical anarchist asking a republican to dance
cause what’s the chance of everyone moving from right to left
if the only moves they see are NBC and CBS
this is for the no becoming yes
for scars becoming breath
for saying i love you to people who will never say it to us
for scraping away the rust and remembering how to shine
for the dime you gave away when you didn’t have a penny
for the many beautiful things we do
for every song we’ve ever sung
for refusing to believe in miracles
because miracles are the impossible coming true
and everything is possible

this is for the possibility that guides us
and for the possibilities still waiting to sing
and spread their wings inside us
cause tonight saturn is on his knees
proposing with all of his ten thousand rings
that whatever song we’ve been singing we sing even more
the world needs us right now more than it ever has before
pull all your strings
play every chord
if you’re writing letters to the prisoners
start tearing down the bars
if you’re handing our flashlights in the dark
start handing our stars
never go a second hushing the percussion of your heart
play loud
play like you know the clouds have left too many people cold and broken
and you’re their last chance for sun
play like there’s no time for hoping brighter days will come
play like the apocalypse is only 4…3…2
but you have a drum in your chest that could save us
you have a song like a breath that could raise us
like the sunrise into a dark sky that cries to be blue
play like you know we won’t survive if you don’t
but we will if you do
play like saturn is on his knees
proposing with all of his ten thousand rings
that we give every single breath
this is for saying-yes

this is for saying-yes

and the five:
01. finding money.
02. realising that i can be in control of my life and my stuff, if only i can stay engaged with life and have awareness.
03. free museum trips. van gogh exhibition rocked.
04. feeling healthy and sticking to planned meals.
05. planning our honeymoon.

A broken record.

2010-02-12T12:42:00.002Z

1. Week Three of my return to the gym has gone well. Yoga, running, weights, I'm trying it all and trying to switch it up to keep my metabolism higher.
2. Productive meeting at work re: activities, bedridden residents and management expectations.
3. 3-day weekend. For C and I. Bliss.
4. New, improved grocery budget. I am excited about it. We will see how it goes.
5. My new desk is super cool and multi-purpose. It makes me happy just to see it!

Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday

2010-02-05T20:52:00.004Z

Five on Friday.

1. C's birthday on Sunday! Pressies and cards prepared. Yay!
2. Listening to HP & the Philosopher's Stone audiobook. Love Stephen Fry as narrator. So relaxing.
3. Tidied flat, in preparation for guests this evening.
4. New, healthy meal plan!
5. Friends who are telepathic, or close to it.

Music: Scr00bius Pip, The Middle East, The Killers, Jack Johnson, The Good Life

It's true, I like depressing music.

2010-02-05T00:46:00.010Z

I play music almost constantly. You can tell when I am not happy, do not have myself together or if I am depressed because music will not be playing, and I do not want to hear anyone else's music either.

I have been told several times over my life that I listen to depressing music. And I'm finally admitting that it's true. I do listen to depressing music. It reminds me how far I have come and how far I have to go. It makes me think that the things I have experienced have a voice. That those experiences may have been bad or unpleasant or just sad but I have survived. Just as others have. I do not feel so alone when I have my music.

This is currently one of the songs in my rotation of music.(I wanted to embed the song in the post, but it was not working! If anyone has any insight, I would love it.)

Who are your favourite bands or artists? What draws you to a particular song or style of music?

Friday, Friday, Friday

2010-01-29T22:26:00.003Z

Lots of good stuff going on over here. Working on a big post (possibly with pictures, if I can figure that out).

Here's this week's five:

1. Massage. Oh, my goodness. Sweet, sweet relief and relaxation.
2. Cinema during the day with a friend. We both have off Thurs/Fri so are going to make daytime hanging out happen once a week.
3. Evening socialising. I can actually do this, have a nice time, get to bed at a decent hour and function the next day. Who knew?
4. Return to the gym: The asskicking. Week 1 went well. Now on to week 2.
5. Really excited to be actualizing the goals that I made for this year/the next 18 months.

Music: Ignite, Lady Gaga, Missy Elliott, Allo Darlin' and The Levellers

Friday Five & Music

2010-01-22T16:07:00.004Z

1. Three day weekend with grand plans for relaxing, visiting and home improvement.
2. Wedding dress has been purchased. At the 2009 price. Go me for haggling that one!
3. Insomnia causes me to have all sorts of cool ideas. And I wrote some of them down this time!
4. A really lovely stranger paid my taxi fare this morning. I was so grateful for that little reprieve.
5. Free cinema trip on Wednesday with work, to see Amelia. It was much better than I expected, but oh-so-sad. Even though I already knew the ending.

Music of the week: The Middle East, Xavier Rudd, Newton Faulkner, Indigo Girls, They Might Be Giants

Simple Things

2010-01-20T21:54:00.003Z

I really enjoy being at home. I fully admit to being a homebody, while C is usually ready and willing to socialise and go out most every night of the week. We do a lot more home-based activities, as you may well guess.

But last night, we both had good evenings. I know C did, because I asked him and he animatedly told me about the gig he went to, the things he bought in London, how the band were on stage, etc. I was really glad that he had had a great night out.

I, obviously, was at home. And it was marvelous. I enjoyed my few hours home alone to watch my favourite TV show, work-out with Jillian Michaels and just be. I took the time to really relax, while doing a few things that I enjoy.

Those few hours of alone time and solitude were lovely. And I really relished the fact that when I am not working around someone else's schedule or priorities, I do not feel rushed or delayed in accomplishing the things I need to while enjoying my day.

It was enough to make me think. And to quell that visceral urge I have been having to call in sick, snuggle in bed an extra hour and then craft the rest of the day.

My few hours have given me more patience and appreciation in this small apartment. Maybe next time I'll come up with the solution to our space dilemma.

It really is the simple pleasures in life that are greatest. I should try to remind myself more often. It's easy to forget.

Friday, again.

2010-01-15T14:23:00.003Z

One of my goals in life is to update this more regularly. One substantial post per week and my regular Friday gig. I'm obviously still working on it.

This week, I feel pulled in a few different directions, both emotionally and viscerally. It is difficult to explain. I feel the need to craft and hibernate with comforting smells and candles. Lots of blankets. At the same time, the snow is going. Will it be back? Probably. I hope.

I am also terribly excited because a lot of things are coming together wedding-wise and it just thrills me that this is going to happen. We are actually going to declare our love and committment to one another, in front of other people. Make it 'real'. As if it isn't real already.

Anyway, this week's five.

1. Love my oldies. At work. They are so funny.
2. Wedding things, hooray! & etsy purchases!
3. Successfully making scary phone calls to strangers. I have a love/hate relationship with the phone.
4. Knitting. I have been procrastinating some projects because I do not want to fail. But how will I be successful if I avoid something?
5. Slowly tackling my list. I should post my lists sometime. It would be amazing.

Friday Five

2010-01-08T14:28:00.003Z

1. Snow. Again. How much do I love it?! SO MUCH!
2. Girls night tonight. Going to be much smaller than planned, but still going ahead.
3. Work has been really busy and fun. I like being there.
4. I have the best parents and the best life partner. I chose my family well.
5. New books and my library membership. <3

Music this week: Ska-P, Regina Spektor, Xavier Rudd, Soul Coughing, Newton Faulkner

Welcome, 2010!

2010-01-04T23:30:00.005Z

Already four days into the newest year. Another decade. Where did 2009 go? It seems like a blur.

I feel like I am echoing other blogs I have read in the last few days, but really 2009 was a roller coaster. I shall be getting off now, please and thank you.

I hope that 2010 is a healthy, peaceful and happy year for me and C (and our families and friends!).

Goals for the year:

01. Get organised (clothes and crafts!)
02. Sort out space for crafting
03. Go to the library more.
04. Host a superfun wedding.
05. Fall in love again.
06. Find some good girl-friends.

Work, Virus, Christmas.

2009-12-22T16:34:00.006Z

I have managed to work every shift that was offered to me this month. That means I've been at work or preparing to go to work every day this month except Fridays. And today.

Because today, I woke up with the virus that has been making the rounds at work forcing the whole home to institute a period of isolation from outside visitors or trips out. I am the first staff member to get it. And I come into contact with nearly every resident. Way to go, immune system.

Thank goodness the shopping for Friday has been long completed. Wrapping completed today while lying around.

I am glad that I have played the Christmas music to death the last few weeks. C has insinuated on several occasions that his ears may begin to spontaneously bleed if I play Frosty the Snowman one more time.

England has received more than it's requisite snow for the year. Beyond this stupid just in time for Christmas! illness, I feel great. I have accomplished a lot on my sick day, some cleaning and baking interspersed with resting. Tomorrow will be full of the same, since I will not be 24 hours clear to go back to work.

Is this illness a Christmas blessing in disguise? I have completely worn myself out at work the last couple of weeks. And I just said yesterday that I was bone tired. Christmas blessing or coincidence? Whichever it is, I am thankful for this illness. (I never thought I would write that sentence!)

I am looking forward to my days of rest. And I will be glad to return to work on Sunday, healthy and relaxed.

Friday Five.

2009-12-18T07:58:00.004Z

01. SNOW! enough said.
02. day off for C (and me) so we have the snow day to spend together.
03. sewing.
04. Christmas in one week. Christmas baking to commence.
05. Hot water bottles to warm the bed. Mmmm cosy.

A little honesty. And negativity.

2009-12-17T15:17:00.004Z

I am always trying to see the good in everything. In each day. In the lady with the pram who ran me and a little, old lady over.

But today, I would like to admit that, despite having an amazing life. This is really hard. It's hard that I have a job I love that doesn't actually cover all my expenses or give me the full-time hours that I need.

It's hard for me to love someone so fiercely and immensely that I have pretty much given up my whole life for him. I think it's a little bit hard for him to see me do that, too.

It sucks that, like I tweeted earlier, everytime I contact my parents or my best friend, I am reminded of all that I am missing. And it really does feel like a little part of me is dying.

I am trying, everyday, to change that feeling. And you know what? That sucks, too.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, loathe entirely, being such a 'Debbie Downer'. (Bonus points if you know where the beginning of that last sentence is from!) But sometimes, I like to wallow in my despair. I think it helps me appreciate the good days and the great times. Knowing the sources of my upset help me to fight them better and it makes me stronger.

But, honestly, it sucks.

So, if you've been wondering where I have been since my return to England at the beginning of December, well, I've been wallowing. And working. Working through my wallowing. Getting to a better place now.

NaBloPoMo, the fail. & Friday Five

2009-12-04T15:19:00.004Z

Sorry for the hiatus.

I will just summarise and say that Maryland and all its funtimes and lovely lovely people are distracting from the internet. That is GREAT for my mental health and I am so glad I failed NaBloPoMo because I got to see everyone, support the US economy, hug my grandma and it was all amazing.

Now for my Friday Five.

1. Christmas Music. Especially John Denver & The Muppets. 'Nough Said.
2. I am introducing C to the film A Christmas Story tonight. I hope he loves it. I do.
3. I have been making delicious salads. I think I have perfected salad (for me). Yum.
4. Changes to our flat are upcoming, which will make my quality of life SO MUCH BETTER. Very exciting.
5. Plans for better, cheaper socializing to hit our flat in the New Year. Also going to improve my quality of life.

From the other side of the pond:

2009-11-24T02:19:00.005Z

Wahoo! Arrived safely in Maryland. Albeit 35 minutes late due to departing delays and a couple hours of turbulence just south of Iceland. Good God, crosswinds of 155 mph are scary. It felt like a 2 hour roller coaster ride with 150 of my closest strangers.

There were some totally weird things that happened today. I think I will leave that for tomorrow's post though, can barely keep my eyes open and feel dizzy because I don't think four hours of sleep is enough for ten hours of travelling.

Short version: I've arrived, I'm safe, I'm warm and fed. Now off to bed, off to bed.

Glad to be in Maryland.

Poemday.

2009-11-22T20:45:00.005Z

The Red Wheelbarrow

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.

-William Carlos Williams

I know I have mentioned my love of Mr Williams (& his poetry before). But ah! the simplicity. The imagery! LOVE!

Happy Sunday, one and all! I am off tomorrow. Don't worry, I will be posting for the last 8 days of NaBloPoMo from one of my parents' abodes (or t'other).

Everybody's working for the weekend.

2009-11-21T18:00:00.002Z

Today was the longest day ever. Also my brain is barely fuctioning, I am so excited about my trip to Maryland.

So this is for NaBloPoMo. It is not much substance. But I am here, my voice in my little corner of the interwebs.

In no particular order, things that happened today:

* I cut my finger whilst chopping potatoes
* Up early to shop at the ski outlet store.
* Chicken and vegetable pasty for lunch. NOM.
* Thought about leaving work early today, it was SO boring.
* Told everyone at work who would listen about my trip.
* Made lots of photocopies, planning for future activities and completed some word searches.
* Visited some friends for a few laughs and tea.

Friday Five

2009-11-20T18:10:00.003Z

As you are all aware, I have not had the best of weeks. But, TGIF. Some good things happened in with the bad things I was so focused on.

1. Making brownies.
2. Only the weekend to go, then I'm off to Maryland.
3. Lunch with a friend from my old office.
4. Skype w/ Lindsay. Sweet.
5. New plants in the garden from Chris' mum. She also brought me a beautiful necklace which was her grandmother's and then her mother's. I was really touched.

So yay Friday. Bring on Monday & Maryland!

IALAC.

2009-11-19T22:06:00.001Z

I really hope that next week is the week I need to sort my head out. I am losing steam with everything lately. Well, just about everything. The gym and planning sessions are still going nicely and I'm still excited about them.

I am totally off my game this week. First, I realised I was slacking with the menu because I have very little inspiration to cook outside my comfort zone, yet want more new and interesting food. Then, it was 'lose your head if it's not attached to your body' because I was all over the place yesterday.

Today was ok. I accomplished some small tasks and made some plans for tomorrow. But I have had enough of this week and NaBloPoMo feels like it is kicking my butt. I am starting to find it hard to gather up the motivation and courage to post every day. Only 11 days to go though.

I will follow through with this post a day business. 11 days. Things will get better.

Next week is for me. I will come back to England, to C, to work, to menu planning and all the other nuances that make up my life with the ability to be better, do better and accomplish more. In the words of my high school health teacher, Mrs Susan Euker, 'I am loveable and capable'. Life will go on, I will strive to be better at holding onto it with both hands, instead of letting it drag me along.

Remember: I am loveable and capable.

Today should have been a duvet day.

2009-11-18T22:35:00.004Z

I am supposed to start work at 10:30 a.m. This means I need to leave my house no later than 10 a.m. What time did I wake up this morning? Why yes, that would be 10 a.m. I'm not sure why I overslept because my alarm went off at its usual time, I got out of bed, brushed my teeth, etc. And GOT BACK IN BED!!!

So I jumped up at 10 a.m., dressed and put my hair up and ran out the door. I got to work with one minute to spare. And, wait for it...FORGOT MY UNIFORM. So drop my bag off and run home. Grab the uniform I left just inside the door and run back to work.

Finally clocked in, 30 minutes late. Thank dog for flex-time.

There were myriad things that just threw the day further into turmoil (at some point I sent an FML text to C). But the first few issues really had me frustrated. Because honestly, I should be in control of that stuff. And it frustrates me when I am forgetful and lazy and things just seem to be going wrong for no reason.

The day improved with the help of some of the lovely residents I work with and taking the time to let go of this morning's antics. How do you deal with days where the odds seem to be stacked against you?

There has got to be more than this.

2009-11-17T20:46:00.002Z

I am stuck in a rut. A dinner rut, that is. I rotate the same ten or twelve meals and frankly, I am getting sick of it. Not sure whether C cares, but I'm sure he would be happy to have more variety.

Things I cook on a regular basis:

-Chicken Broccoli stir fry
-Mexican Beans and rice
-Chili
-Chicken, Mashed Potato and [insert vegetable]
-Turkey (or beef) burgers, wedges and raw vegetables
-Soup and toast or sandwich
-Mexican inspired food that fits in a tortilla
-Chicken and vegetable Curry
-Vegetarian Lasagne (C is not overly keen on this and then I end up with a lot of food leftover)
-Pasta

I need to find some inspiration for new, easy (and healthy!) dinners. Do you have a favourite dinner? Share the love? In the meantime, I guess I will pore over my cookbooks, Google and Martha Stewart for inspiration.

Back to reality.

2009-11-16T23:53:00.004Z

After such a wonderful weekend, today was a bit tough to swallow. Even though I love my job.

Mondays are my long day and today was just like other Mondays, with extra assignments and questions to boot.

Some highlights of the fun:

-Whilst doing a 'quiz' with the residents, they were asked to complete the proverb given. I said, 'Every dog...' And one of the women said 'I know!' When asked what the rest of the proverb was she responds, "Every dog has a silver lining!"*

-We made Christmas cards today! It was fun to make a mess, be creative and play with scissors and glue.

-This evening I did a 'creative thinking' exercise based on Ernest Hemingway's short story: Baby shoes, for sale, never used. (Those six words are the entire story...) One of the residents told this story in six words: Car loses wheel, chauffeur takes charge. Another resident's story was 'wrought iron fence supports driver failure.'

And so things improved. When C picked me up, I was even happier. Friends and pub quiz made the night. I am glad that I am in a good spell now! Lots of goings on and laughing. Back to life, it is good.

*The correct answer was 'every dog has his day'. But the combining of 'every cloud has a silver lining' and 'every dog has his day' reminded me of Boondock Saints:

Doc: You know what they say: People in glass houses sink sh-sh-ships.
Rocco: Doc, I gotta buy you, like, a proverb book or something. This mix'n'match shit's gotta go.
Doc: What?
Connor: A penny saved is worth two in the bush, isn't it?
Murphy: And don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen.

Another Sunday Poem

2009-11-15T20:05:00.004Z

The October Garden
by Molly Fisk

If you were zinnia, still bright
in the October garden and I the last
orange cosmos. If you were catmint blue
draping yourself over the cinder block wall
and I the weed coming up through gravel.
If you were the bamboo pole, listing
under the weight of late green tomatoes
that will never ripen now, and I
the frayed string that binds them. If
you were heavy purple grapes dangling
over the canted railing and I the feasting
thrush. If you were summer's echo
in yellow coreopsis and I the tall sedum,
autumn-flushed. If you were the sun
breaking slant over that little grove of aspens
across the street, if you were hummingbird's
quick wing, if you were winter coming on
or the studious worm and I the turned
earth, the patch of moss beneath an oak,
the oak's sharp-edged leaf ready to crackle
underfoot, the white-throated sparrow's
familiar three descending notes in a minor
key, oh, if only I were sometimes
you and you were me.

This was a marvelous weekend. It was filled with gales of rain and laughter, cuddles and pie. We had family time and wedding time and couple time and alone time. And it was perfect.

American Pie

2009-11-14T20:56:00.003Z

There has always been music in my life. And I think I can safely say that there will always be music in my life. I didn't grow up listening to 'kid' music. Sure, my brother and I had some Raffi tapes and we all know and love Baby Beluga.

I remember being about six years old, in the ski lift with my dad at Wisp Ski Resort in Deep Creek, Maryland. The lift was stopped and we were suspended in mid-air above the snow covered mountain (pretty sure it's a big hill, if I'm being honest). To keep me occupied and pass the time, Dad started singing. At first it was a bunch of songs I knew, 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, The Ants Go Marching, etc. But then my dad started singing a song that I'd heard before not knowing the words. It was a sad song, one my dad loved and probably still loves. I love it, too, just because of this memory.

A long, long time ago / I can still remember / how that music used to make me smile / and I knew if I had my chance / that I could make those people dance / and maybe they'd be happy for awhile...

On that ski lift I learned the words to American Pie by Don McLean. And when my dad was finished singing, I asked him what the song was about. I can't remember what his response was* but I remember feeling very sad and cold. Maybe the cold was more about dangling in mid-air in winter weather. I digress.

But February made me shiver / with every paper I delivered / the bad news on the doorstep / I couldn't take one more step / I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride / but something touched me deep inside / the day the music died.

And until I moved to England, whenever my dad and I would go skiing, if we were stuck on the ski lift, we began to sing this song.

So bye bye miss American pie / drove my Chevy to the levee / but the levee was dry / and them good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and rye / singing this'll be the day that I die / this'll be the day that I die

I haven't been skiing for four years. I have seen my dad probably a dozen times since I moved and we have never sang American Pie or any other songs during any of those visits. Nor have we gone skiing.

Hopefully I can change that when I see my dad next week. Think it's too early for skiing?

*in the years since I asked what the song was about, I have learned. If you're curious, see the Wikipedia article here.

Happy Friday the 13th!

2009-11-13T14:09:00.008Z

Did you know that today, 13 November 2009, is the third Friday the 13th this year? And that three is the maximum number of times Friday the 13th can occur in any given year?

If not, now you do! And if you did, well done, have a hug or a biscuit.

Now for the Friday Five!

1. I have a three day weekend.
2. It has been raining for two days. And I love it.
3. I am planning some really cool things for our wedding and I am so excited about them. And so excited to be marrying C.
4. C and I are so incredibly happy together that it is disgusting sometimes. I wonder how I even got this lucky? I sometimes feel like I am cheating life, because there is no way I deserve this.
5. Maryland in 10! (TEN!!!!) 10 days. So very excited.

Day 12: Where did you get your name?

2009-11-12T21:47:00.005Z

Following on from my post last Saturday, about changing my name, I wanted to talk about my forenames. How I got them, what they would have been had I been a boy and why my parents chose those names.

My first name, as you all know, is Danielle. Yes, it is my actual name. No pseudonyms here.

According to the story my dad tells, he always knew I was a girl. As a child, my dad's best friend was a boy named Daniel and my dad always enjoyed Daniel's company and thinks highly of him. He chose my name based on his respect and love for Daniel. My first name means 'Judged by God'.

My middle name is even more straightforward. My mother gave me her middle name, Marie. So simple, such a popular middle name. No story or heartwarming detail.

I have always liked my name. There were those times that people mispronounced my first name (Danny-yell instead of Dan-yell) and I wished I had a name easier to pronounce, like Jennifer or Anna. But on the whole, I embraced my name. I like that there are other Danielles in the world, my name is not too original, nor is it commonplace.

Had I been a boy, my name would have been Samuel Tyler. First name after my late paternal grandfather. Not sure about the why on Tyler.

As I said last week, I have enjoyed my years as Danielle Marie Lastname. I like my name.

How did you get your name? How did you decide to name your pets? Your children? Are you, your siblings, your spouse or your children named after anyone?

Do you think romantic chemistry is instant or evolving?

2009-11-11T19:14:00.004Z

Have you ever given someone a second (or third) chance and lived to regret it? Have you ever fallen in love with someone you didn't particularly like or desire at first?

I think romantic chemistry can be both instant and evolving. Some people meet their significant other and have an instant connection that never waivers. Others take their time, either for personal or social reasons, to get to know and love someone.

I have never been the girl who immediately falls head over heels in love. I have never been in love at first sight with any of my ex-boyfriends. I did not fall in love with C at first sight (it probably helps that I was in a relationship with someone else when I first met C. The other relationship had concluded long before we got together.)

Giving second (and third) chances is also not really something I have done. I tend to make important decisions like that and stick with them. I don't think it is (or would be) fair for me to date someone I did not like (even platonically) more than once. If I think it's going somewhere, I say. If I don't, I try to be gently honest.

Around the time I graduated high school, there was a guy that I hadn't really taken any notice of. At our first meeting, I was not at all impressed with him. In fact, I recall that I thought he was a waste of time and a bit conceited. One of my friends was quite into him, but he was not into her. He convinced me to go on a few dates with him and I realised that we had similar goals and aspirations. I enjoyed spending time with him and I did fall in love with him. Unfortunately, falling in love with him cost me a friend. And he did end up breaking my heart.

But without him, I never would have met, befriended and fallen in love with C. We have been together 4 and 1/2 years and I hope that we are able to build a great, happy life together.

Day 10: A Recipe

2009-11-10T19:43:00.011Z

Today was a long day. I have a cold. I am so happy and lucky to have the job I do, because I work with a bunch of nurses. And they take good care of everyone.

Even so, I had to come home and eat dinner. I didn't want C to eat cereal or toast, even though I know he can and would eat either happily (he can also cook, but he has been doing a lot lately).

Something quick and healthy was important. I decided to make a staple dish in our house, 'Mexican Beans and Rice'.

Mexican Beans and Rice

1 cup cooked brown rice
1 16 oz tin black beans, drained and rinsed
1 16 oz tin corn, drained and rinsed
1 cup spring (or green) onions, finely chopped
Cumin*
Paprika*
Cayenne pepper*
Cilantro (or Coriander)*

*spices to taste

Mix all ingredients together and heat through. Serve as tacos or burritos, or as a nacho topping. Also delicious with shredded grilled chicken. Garnish with salsa, cheese or other favourites!

Enjoy.

(picture is from www.mccormick.com as I could not find a good picture of this recipe on my laptop.)

20 things

2009-11-09T21:48:00.003Z

The following are a list of things I would like to accomplish in my life. Brought to you by the fact that I am sick.

1.Be published. (Again.)
2.Have a happy, successful and committed marriage.
3.Travel to New Zealand.
4.Run a half-marathon.
5.Travel around Europe in an RV.
6.Follow the Tour de France.
7.Learn another language (Italian, German or Welsh).
8.Read 52 books in one year.
9.Go camping in the Peaks or Scottish Highlands.
10.Have and raise children.
11.Knit a big project (i.e. shawl or sweater)for myself.
12.See the fjords in Scandinavia.
13.Visit British Columbia.
14.Have a large garden.
15.Get a DSLR and learn/teach myself to take good photographs
16.Grow my hair really long, just because.
17.Have a library in my house.
18.Attend Michigan Womyn's Music Festival
19.Drive across North America.
20.Build a greenhouse.

Sunday Poem

2009-11-08T19:04:00.003Z

This Is Just To Say
by William Carlos Williams

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

The above is my favourite poem. I love its simplicity. The image of a cold refrigerator, cold, crisp, ripe plums. I imagine that this poem was a note on the kitchen table, an apology for taking his wife's delicious breakfast, which he enjoyed. It conveys imagery, a sincere apology and an appreciation for the fruit.

"All endings are also beginnings..." -Mitch Albom

2009-11-07T17:53:00.007Z

When I lost my job at the end of June, I was devastated not so much about the job itself, but about the possibilities that it had closed for me. I felt very lost for a few days or a week and it felt strange to wake up in the morning and get dressed, only to stay at home.

After that first week of shock, I began to get into a routine of job searching, CV (or resume) updating/editing, going into town to pass my CV to anyone who was considering taking new employees and baking furiously.

I had a new beginning after the loss of my job when I really appreciated the time I spent at home (and job searching). When I started my current job, another transition occurred.

Switching jobs is only one type of ending and beginning. There are obviously other endings and beginnings that happen throughout life.

The big ending and beginning that is fast approaching for both C and I is our wedding next year. Yes, it is only one day. Yes, it should be an important day. It is not going to be "THE" most important day in our lives.

This is my issue with the wedding, and mine alone. It really comes to the heart of the question, what's in a name?

It is important to me because I will end my years as Danielle Lastname and begin my years as Danielle Hislastname. I am simultaneously looking forward to this ending and dreading it. The new beginning as C's wife and the beginning of our family together is exciting. I am glad to be choosing him. I am glad he chose me.

But changing my name seems so scary! My childhood nickname which was based on LastName will no longer apply. I am afraid to lose my father's last name, one that my brother and I share. Changing my name frightens me because somehow I feel I won't be as close to my father or brother, if I do not share their last name. I realise this is irrational and ludicrous, but it is one of my fears about all the changes that will occur when I marry C.

I am glad to have this new beginning with C. I choose him as my new 'first' family and I am (for the most part) happy to take his name. I will be sad to 'lose' my childhood name, but that name will always be mine and a part of me. I am not just Danielle Lastname. My identity transcends my name. The last name I share with my father and brother will always be mine and a part of me.

When I take C's last name, it will be for 'our family'. For us. For the children we may bring into the world one day. I choose C and I choose his last name. An ending for me. A beginning for us.

Friday Five

2009-11-06T12:02:00.003Z

Each Friday, I will be posting five things that were good about the week. These could be really exciting or fairly mundane. I do this list every week in my notebooks or in my day planner. It really helps me to see all the good things in my life.

1. A great fiance, who does dishes, takes out rubbish and takes me to the supermarket at 9 p.m. to buy cake.
2. The gym at the end of my road. Making it easier to get healthy (forget what I just said about cake, ok?) and there are no excuses because it is so close!
3. A job that makes me laugh everyday. (I will share some funny stories soon!)
4. Phone calls from my mom. Even though I know she misses me, she still finds the strength to encourage me to pursue and live my dream every day.
5. My day off on Fridays. I love waking up a little bit later, going to the gym, lounging in my pajamas and then running errands and doing housework. I would be a great stay at home person.

Share your Friday Five on your blog or in the comments! Hope you've had a good week!

my confession and a memory.

2009-11-05T17:21:00.001Z

On average, it rains 200 days per year in England. Over that two-hundred or so days, it rains more than 30 inches.

I love rain. I love the way it sounds, the way it feels, even the way it smells. I love rolling thunder and waiting for giant webs of lightening to cover the sky. The damp, earthy smells that rise during the rain make me feel happy and alive.

Many of my childhood memories include rain. Or snow. But mostly rain.

The first time I realised how much I love the rain, I was four or five years old. It was one of those sticky summer nights, where the humidity is hanging in the air. Suddenly, a crisp breeze came through the window and cut through my bed sheet. I remember shivering, tingling like I had just swallowed minty ice cream. There was a growling and grumbling sound from the sky; thunder. CRACK! Lightening lit up the sky and the yard. Rain hurled from the sky soaking everything. The thunder and lightening continued. I lay in my bed and watched intently. I wanted to be closer.

I climbed out of bed, brushed the toys from my bedside table, climbed back onto the bed, and stepped gingerly on the top of the table. I had to stand on the table to see out of my windows! The small rectangular windows were two thirds of the way up my bedroom walls and only a foot high. I needed to inspect the storm more closely and my bedside table was the best tool for the job.

Standing on the table, peering out of the window, I stood for what seemed like hours, admiring the storm. Just as quickly as it came, it was gone. I stood on the table, looking out of the window, willing the storm to come back. When it did not, I reluctantly climbed down and into bed.

Still, decades later, I have a love affair with rain and storms. If bad storms are predicted, I wait almost impatiently for their arrival. I sit in the window, watching, occasionally narrating what is happening. If I am caught out in a storm and I feel it is safe (little/no lightening), I will sometimes just keep walking in it until I am soaked. Soaking in rainwater, droplets running off my nose and eyelashes and hair is my agnostic confessional. Except I don't have to talk or repent. The rain just washes everything away for me.

Friends.

2009-11-04T20:22:00.003Z

Do you have a best friend? I'm sure you do. Most people do, even if they don't call them by that term. Maybe your best friend is your sister, brother, cousin or even your significant other or spouse. That person is your go-to person, the person you laugh with, cry with, shout at (sometimes for no particular reason).

I have been so lucky in life, to have grown up with my best friend. I also had a small group of close friends. The five (or six, depending on when) of us were together in some permutation most of the time. Sometimes, I miss those days.

And other days, I blame those days because I know what I am missing in my current 'community' and living situation. How does one make new friends? My partner is a wonderful person and very supportive, but he is not the beginning or the end of my life. I need more friends and a good network, like the one I had growing up.

Damn, I miss those girls. D'you hear me?! I miss YOU!

I get plenty of socialisation at work. The problem is, I need more socialisation with people my own age. For instance, when C is not home or out with his friends, can I call someone or have made plans in advance? Since there are only one or two people to call and they are also busy people, this makes me feel a nuisance. If I had more of a group to hang out with, I would feel less like a bother to the few people I do know.

Good Evening.

2009-11-03T23:22:00.003Z

I think I need to do a bit of planning for these posts. Right now, I am totally 'winging' it. Almost afraid I wouldn't be able to post today, we went to a gig in London. Clutch would have been totally worth missing a day of NaBloPoMo for, since they are one of the best bands. Very loud and quite catchy, if I do say so.

Shameless promotion of a fine rock band from Maryland, USA: www.pro-rock.com

What kinds of music do you like? Recommend some music? Tell me about it in the comments!

In other news, today was a better day at work. Also, I am going to see my mom in 3 weeks!

second verse same as the first.

2009-11-02T21:53:00.003Z

I have said it before, I love my job. The hours are great, the people mostly wonderful. The only thing that could be better is the pay. But honestly? I still love it.

My job requires me to plan and execute activities for elderly people suffering from Parkinson's, dementia and stroke. I work in a local nursing home; it is always challenging and mostly fun.

I was ill at the weekend, finally well today, I was excited to go to work since I missed my Saturday shift. Maybe I am still recovering from the weekend, or maybe I woke up without all my patience, but at several points today I wished I had stayed home in bed.

Here is my rant about work:

01.It is harder to reason with octogenarians with most of their mental faculties than it is to reason with a two year old.
02.I hate being asked the same question by the same resident everyday. S/he knows the answer, because they start the conversation "I know you said X about Y, but I just wanted to know if I could do Y?" Ummmm, no. The answer is the same as it was the last time you asked.
03.People that ask if we can do G activity because it 'sounds interesting and fun' or 'that was nice the last time we did it' and then DO NOT TURN UP to the aforementioned activity. The next day/week some of these people will say, why didn't we get to do G activity?

The things I love about work:

01.I get to be fairly creative on a daily basis.
02.I speak to a variety of people each day, all with varying needs, wants, interests, abilities and limitations.
03.All of the things I dislike as well as the variety of people I am with on a daily basis keep me constantly engaged and challenged at work. Even if there is not a feasible solution.
04.Things at work make me laugh a lot. The people are funny, sometimes the situations are funny.
05.My supervisor is great. People think she is hard to get along with, but really, just DBAD and you will be fine.

My shifts on Mondays are 10:30 A.M.-5:30 P.M. and 7 P.M.-9 P.M. I stay at work between shifts, and have dinner, prepare activities for the evening and assist with supper for residents (if necessary).

By 8:30 P.M. tonight, I was losing my patience in a big way with one of the residents (Resident S). And obviously, you must endeavour to be kind and patient all the time with all the residents, so I was walking out of the room to get away from Resident S and s/he follows me!* So I retreat back to the room I just came from, and one of the other residents says, "You can't get any peace around here, can you?"

"I am just running out of energy to deal with Resident S right now."

"Then you won't ever get peace...not for love nor money!" (Laughs).

I start laughing. Resident S is now back in the room and thinks I am laughing at him/her.

I realise that I am fighting a losing battle trying to communicate and reason with Resident S. So I prepare Resident D to go back to his/her room and say good-bye to Resident S.

I have never felt so relieved.

This post brought to you by: the people at work who drive me up a wall.

*Resident S, due to their limitations has difficulty holding a 'normal' conversation. S/he will repeat and repeat and repeat a story, statement or request until s/he gets a response. Offering alternatives or solutions is a lost cause. S/he will respond "Oh no, I could never do that because X. But don't tell anyone." What?! Why is anyone going to care about that? Basically, everything in Resident S' life is a crisis, that s/he has no control over and no one can help with, though we are supposed to pander to each crisis. But by being sympathetic, s/he says 'Oh you have no idea how hard Z is or what I have to do for Y." It is a constant uphill battle with Resident S and after being at work for ten hours, it is extremely wearing.

NaBloPoMo

2009-11-01T21:40:00.003Z

And so, it is November 2009. Time flies.

This November, I have committed to NaBloPoMo. My aspirations are to become one of those 'bloggers'; writers who put their craft into cyberspace each day. A lofty goal, I know. A joke, perhaps?

I have always been a writer, preferring paper and pen to typing on a computer. Somehow, the words seem to flow, like extensions of my own mind, my own body, through ink. The computer has always seemed more forced. I tried using a typewriter for several years, it was fun and challenging, but never the same as pen and paper.

As a child, I wrote short stories with illustrations and told my grandmother I'd be famous for writing one day, as she hole-punched my creations and bound them with a shoelace.

So here is my own challenge, along with all the other daily things that need to be accomplished. I will be posting each day this month. An anecdote here, my weekly recap on Fridays, my adventure at the end of the month back to the United States for a visit with my family...follow on the journey, as I figure out how to write each day with a computer instead of my trusty pen.

in which i review my epistemology and challenge my ontology of organised religion

2009-09-12T22:31:00.005+01:00

I swear I do this every few months. And never get anywhere, so let's see if I can get to the bottom of my 'need' to go to church. I find it distressing that I don't have a community in this city. I just feel out of place. And I keep coming back to the question, is it cheap to make friends/build your community from a church setting?

What if your ontology (Ontology is concerned with the nature of being or reality. It seeks to answer the questions: What can be said to exist? Into what categories, if any, can we sort existing things?) Atheists cannot prove that God does not exist (any more than theists can prove that God does exist) regarding organised religion and god(s) is not fixed?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I keep thinking that maybe I should find a church that fits. Or go back to any church, to see if Christianity fits. I miss the community and the intellectual stimulation of a church community. (I know, not all churches provide intellectual stimulation, but I am looking for the ability to question the church/holy book/etc and having a debate/discussion without being told to STFU).

My epistemological position is agnosticism, because there is insufficient knowledge to say that there is definitely a god/gods. Agnosticism is not a belief, per se, because agnostics cannot clearly assert a position.

Regarding my ontological position on god(s) and organised religion:

I grew up in church. I believed a lot of the morals, ethics and guidelines from a protestant perspective. I had respect for the Bible and the church and other believers. I don't think that the Bible is a non-fiction book, I don't think it is (or should be) part of modern Christianity to evangelise other cultures, people, religions, etc. I don't think that the Bible and church are the answer for everyone. I don't think they are the answer to everything.

I don't think people who participate in church or have most of their lives entwined with an organised religion are 'sheep'. I don't think that they 'don't know any better' or are stupid. I acknowledge their choice(s) and respect them. I admire the community that church or organised religions create. I admire believers' faith, devotion and tenacity in the face of hatred, scorn, ignorance and adversity.

I do not like the feeling that organised religion can influence my choice(s) about my body, home, family, dress, income and occupation. I do not want to be told how to worship or judged for the worship choice(s) I may make. I do not want a proscribed time, place, method or order for any worship I may/may not choose.

In short, my ontological position is that I believe there is a god or gods. I do not feel that attending Christian worship services will make me feel more comfortable with my beliefs or how I feel it is appropriate to act on those beliefs.

I think I have actually got this sorted out now. I feel much more at ease. A couple hours research into world religions, a review of my sociology notes on religion, and some soul-searching.

I do feel it is cheap to try to make friends/build a community for oneself through a church setting, if you are uncomfortable with church or organised religion. It is hypocritical, even if you believe in the same god(s) to participate in a service that is meaningless to you.

Despite everything, I think I can make this work for me. Maybe yoga or Taoism?

i will be back.

2009-08-31T22:33:00.002+01:00

my absence has mainly been due to my new job. 5 weeks there! yay!

i have a lot going on at the moment, but i have an introspective post coming up.

i will return. posting will be more regular - shortly.

Not too hopeful...yet.

2009-07-03T16:30:00.002+01:00

Today I went to a little meet & greet thing at the residential nursing home nearby. They have an opening for an assistant post that I am interested in. I think it went pretty well, given that I don't have any qualifications with the demographics at the home.

Hopefully next week I will get a call about that or one of the other posts I've applied for this week.

I would really like a total career change. I need to do something more nurturing and giving back. It's not in my nature to engage in activities or jobs that just take from everyone.

Have you changed career? How did you do it?

I feel like an actor that has been typecast in a role that is so foreign to me, I can't even relate.

Searching...

2009-07-02T10:55:00.002+01:00

I have two appointments later with the job agencies in town. I have realised that I would like the following:

1. A casual dress code

2. Less restrictive timesheets (accounting for each 5-minute increment of your day for 7.5 hours is the best way to take the joy out of a job. Promise.)

3. I need to be able to get to work by walking, minimal public transport or cycling.

4. If I can work from home, that would be perfect.

5. Also, would like my salary to be close to what I was earning previously.

That's not too much to ask, right?

What's that you say? Pigs will fly?

I am sure I can meet three of those five. Probably not all of them. If I can find a job that meets three of the five and provides me with some job security (i.e. I am there temporarily and know it or I sign a contract for a year), I will be extremely happy.

One benefit to this whole redundancy thing has been more time with C. Also, it's summer. And England is in the midst of a heat wave! Sunny days, warm weather, loud music...I got it made.

Despite everything, there really is a silver lining to this unemployment.

I'm still alive.

2009-06-29T21:45:00.003+01:00

Today, I was made redundant. The Americans would say I lost my job. Well, I did lose it. The job, that is. I didn't really do well in the work, I was not so suited to an office atmosphere, but at the same time, the management also took my job from me.

I was told that I am a hard worker, they appreciated that I was always willing to take anything they asked of me (however menial) but that I was not suited to the profession. They didn't feel I was taking on the work out of enjoyment. Which is true. But still hurtful and sort of humiliating.

I cleared my desk. Told my coworkers. Left early, understandably.

Called the requisite people-parents, C. Decided not to wallow and got my stuff together for a bike ride.

Went to meet PM for the ride and trail clearing we had arranged. Got half-way to the meeting place...and broke my bike. The chain was sucked back since it wasn't shifting gear properly. It was stuck between my rear mech and the spokes.

Carried my bike as far as possible and found PM. Trying to fix my bike in a field with no tools. That was interesting.

Some of the exchanges with passersby:

'That looks bad.'
(Well...yea.)
'You should probably get some tools.'
(Really?! Hadn't thought of that, Captain Obvious.)
'Do you need me to call for help? Yanno, like a paramedic?'
(How is that going to help? Do paramedics now fix bikes?)

Finally, PM and I decided that he couldn't fix it in the field and we would have to go back to the flat. C was out and I didn't know where to find the necessary tools, so just told PM to find what he needed and fix it...

30 minutes later...I have a twisted rear mech hanger, sheared spokes and frayed nerves. But the bike is fixed.

We decide to scrap the ride. Pub sounds good. A drink later, some laughs. The day is almost passing as acceptable.

Off to jump into the unemployment pool. Til tomorrow.