Five for Friday

a. Warm weather. Says it all.
b. Generous friends and family. Thank you! We love you!
c. Progress on wedding stuff. Big and small.
d. Talking to Lindsay. Makes my day.
e. Music is such a salve for the soul. It makes every day that little bit brighter.

Music: Mumford & Sons, The Avett Brothers, Bombay Bicycle Club, Jack Savoretti, The Middle East, John Butler Trio.

Five For Friday

01. Milkshake (Oreo & Reese's). Not in the wedding dress plan, but sometimes indulgence is good.
02. Good books. I finished The Year of Pleasures by Elizabeth Berg today. I've already started reading it again. SO GOOD.
03. Started booking honeymoon things! Wheee!
04. Babysitting is fun!
05. I heard from my dad (he's in Afghanistan right now) and that made me feel a lot better. I was seriously stressing about it.

On having a no good, very bad, day.

Sometimes it's little things that build up over a long time and one day, you suddenly want to tear your hair out.

Sometimes there doesn't seem to be any reason to have a bad day. You had a good night's sleep, you've been exercising regularly and eating well. Things in life are generally smooth and you have been rolling with the silly or annoying little things that happen. But then it hits you; a terrible, no good, very bad day. And it bites.

Where did it come from? Why are you losing patience quicker than you can blink? Swallowing that tearful lump growing in your throat?

Today, I have been having one of those kind of days. The kind where I actually wish I could walk out of work, no questions asked and just turn up tomorrow like nothing happened. The sort of day where I should have just stayed in bed, because the stress was not worth the effort.

So, Tuesday, 23 March 2010, I quit today. You were a rubbish day and brought me little but grief and stress. I want tomorrow to be better. I want to have a happy, cheerful day.

The best part of today was a 'love note' from my momma and kashi go lean! crunch cereal. I think that made it bearable. Just about.

I wonder what other people do when they are having a bad day? Drink? Spend money?

in which she muses about the direction of blogging...

I have so many things to write down. Yet it never gets done. I can never get myself organised enough, life gets busy, I get more disorganised and/or unmotivated and then I forget what was so important that I wanted to say. It's a dreadful cycle.

I am troubled by how much I should actually say on this blog. Who reads? Would I want my mother or grandmother to read some of my opinionated rants? There is a fine line that I think I should tread, though I am uncertain where the line is.

Putting very personal and emotional stories out here would be more straightforward. However, most of my family and C's family are not emotional exhibitionists like myself. Again, the struggle with the line. Where is it? If I am giving voice to my experiences and possibly C's as well, does that create difficulty for family (potentially) reading this blog?

It is very unclear where the line is on all these things. That said, I am going to continue with my Friday Fives, and mull over where this blog will be going. If it is going anywhere.

Friday, again.

One of my goals in life is to update this more regularly. One substantial post per week and my regular Friday gig. I'm obviously still working on it.

This week, I feel pulled in a few different directions, both emotionally and viscerally. It is difficult to explain. I feel the need to craft and hibernate with comforting smells and candles. Lots of blankets. At the same time, the snow is going. Will it be back? Probably. I hope.

I am also terribly excited because a lot of things are coming together wedding-wise and it just thrills me that this is going to happen. We are actually going to declare our love and committment to one another, in front of other people. Make it 'real'. As if it isn't real already.

Anyway, this week's five.

1. Love my oldies. At work. They are so funny.
2. Wedding things, hooray! & etsy purchases!
3. Successfully making scary phone calls to strangers. I have a love/hate relationship with the phone.
4. Knitting. I have been procrastinating some projects because I do not want to fail. But how will I be successful if I avoid something?
5. Slowly tackling my list. I should post my lists sometime. It would be amazing.

Friday Five

1. Snow. Again. How much do I love it?! SO MUCH!
2. Girls night tonight. Going to be much smaller than planned, but still going ahead.
3. Work has been really busy and fun. I like being there.
4. I have the best parents and the best life partner. I chose my family well.
5. New books and my library membership. <3

Music this week: Ska-P, Regina Spektor, Xavier Rudd, Soul Coughing, Newton Faulkner

Welcome, 2010!

Already four days into the newest year. Another decade. Where did 2009 go? It seems like a blur.

I feel like I am echoing other blogs I have read in the last few days, but really 2009 was a roller coaster. I shall be getting off now, please and thank you.

I hope that 2010 is a healthy, peaceful and happy year for me and C (and our families and friends!).

Goals for the year:

01. Get organised (clothes and crafts!)
02. Sort out space for crafting
03. Go to the library more.
04. Host a superfun wedding.
05. Fall in love again.
06. Find some good girl-friends.

Friday Five

As you are all aware, I have not had the best of weeks. But, TGIF. Some good things happened in with the bad things I was so focused on.

1. Making brownies.
2. Only the weekend to go, then I'm off to Maryland.
3. Lunch with a friend from my old office.
4. Skype w/ Lindsay. Sweet.
5. New plants in the garden from Chris' mum. She also brought me a beautiful necklace which was her grandmother's and then her mother's. I was really touched.

So yay Friday. Bring on Monday & Maryland!

IALAC.

I really hope that next week is the week I need to sort my head out. I am losing steam with everything lately. Well, just about everything. The gym and planning sessions are still going nicely and I'm still excited about them.

I am totally off my game this week. First, I realised I was slacking with the menu because I have very little inspiration to cook outside my comfort zone, yet want more new and interesting food. Then, it was 'lose your head if it's not attached to your body' because I was all over the place yesterday.

Today was ok. I accomplished some small tasks and made some plans for tomorrow. But I have had enough of this week and NaBloPoMo feels like it is kicking my butt. I am starting to find it hard to gather up the motivation and courage to post every day. Only 11 days to go though.

I will follow through with this post a day business. 11 days. Things will get better.

Next week is for me. I will come back to England, to C, to work, to menu planning and all the other nuances that make up my life with the ability to be better, do better and accomplish more. In the words of my high school health teacher, Mrs Susan Euker, 'I am loveable and capable'. Life will go on, I will strive to be better at holding onto it with both hands, instead of letting it drag me along.

Remember: I am loveable and capable.

Another Sunday Poem

The October Garden
by Molly Fisk

If you were zinnia, still bright
in the October garden and I the last
orange cosmos. If you were catmint blue
draping yourself over the cinder block wall
and I the weed coming up through gravel.
If you were the bamboo pole, listing
under the weight of late green tomatoes
that will never ripen now, and I
the frayed string that binds them. If
you were heavy purple grapes dangling
over the canted railing and I the feasting
thrush. If you were summer's echo
in yellow coreopsis and I the tall sedum,
autumn-flushed. If you were the sun
breaking slant over that little grove of aspens
across the street, if you were hummingbird's
quick wing, if you were winter coming on
or the studious worm and I the turned
earth, the patch of moss beneath an oak,
the oak's sharp-edged leaf ready to crackle
underfoot, the white-throated sparrow's
familiar three descending notes in a minor
key, oh, if only I were sometimes
you and you were me.

-

This was a marvelous weekend. It was filled with gales of rain and laughter, cuddles and pie. We had family time and wedding time and couple time and alone time. And it was perfect.

American Pie

There has always been music in my life. And I think I can safely say that there will always be music in my life. I didn't grow up listening to 'kid' music. Sure, my brother and I had some Raffi tapes and we all know and love Baby Beluga.

I remember being about six years old, in the ski lift with my dad at Wisp Ski Resort in Deep Creek, Maryland. The lift was stopped and we were suspended in mid-air above the snow covered mountain (pretty sure it's a big hill, if I'm being honest). To keep me occupied and pass the time, Dad started singing. At first it was a bunch of songs I knew, 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, The Ants Go Marching, etc. But then my dad started singing a song that I'd heard before not knowing the words. It was a sad song, one my dad loved and probably still loves. I love it, too, just because of this memory.

A long, long time ago / I can still remember / how that music used to make me smile / and I knew if I had my chance / that I could make those people dance / and maybe they'd be happy for awhile...

On that ski lift I learned the words to American Pie by Don McLean. And when my dad was finished singing, I asked him what the song was about. I can't remember what his response was* but I remember feeling very sad and cold. Maybe the cold was more about dangling in mid-air in winter weather. I digress.

But February made me shiver / with every paper I delivered / the bad news on the doorstep / I couldn't take one more step / I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride / but something touched me deep inside / the day the music died.

And until I moved to England, whenever my dad and I would go skiing, if we were stuck on the ski lift, we began to sing this song.

So bye bye miss American pie / drove my Chevy to the levee / but the levee was dry / and them good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and rye / singing this'll be the day that I die / this'll be the day that I die

I haven't been skiing for four years. I have seen my dad probably a dozen times since I moved and we have never sang American Pie or any other songs during any of those visits. Nor have we gone skiing.

Hopefully I can change that when I see my dad next week. Think it's too early for skiing?



*in the years since I asked what the song was about, I have learned. If you're curious, see the Wikipedia article here.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Did you know that today, 13 November 2009, is the third Friday the 13th this year? And that three is the maximum number of times Friday the 13th can occur in any given year?

If not, now you do! And if you did, well done, have a hug or a biscuit.

Now for the Friday Five!

1. I have a three day weekend.
2. It has been raining for two days. And I love it.
3. I am planning some really cool things for our wedding and I am so excited about them. And so excited to be marrying C.
4. C and I are so incredibly happy together that it is disgusting sometimes. I wonder how I even got this lucky? I sometimes feel like I am cheating life, because there is no way I deserve this.
5. Maryland in 10! (TEN!!!!) 10 days. So very excited.

"All endings are also beginnings..." -Mitch Albom

When I lost my job at the end of June, I was devastated not so much about the job itself, but about the possibilities that it had closed for me. I felt very lost for a few days or a week and it felt strange to wake up in the morning and get dressed, only to stay at home.

After that first week of shock, I began to get into a routine of job searching, CV (or resume) updating/editing, going into town to pass my CV to anyone who was considering taking new employees and baking furiously.

I had a new beginning after the loss of my job when I really appreciated the time I spent at home (and job searching). When I started my current job, another transition occurred.

Switching jobs is only one type of ending and beginning. There are obviously other endings and beginnings that happen throughout life.

The big ending and beginning that is fast approaching for both C and I is our wedding next year. Yes, it is only one day. Yes, it should be an important day. It is not going to be "THE" most important day in our lives.

This is my issue with the wedding, and mine alone. It really comes to the heart of the question, what's in a name?

It is important to me because I will end my years as Danielle Lastname and begin my years as Danielle Hislastname. I am simultaneously looking forward to this ending and dreading it. The new beginning as C's wife and the beginning of our family together is exciting. I am glad to be choosing him. I am glad he chose me.

But changing my name seems so scary! My childhood nickname which was based on LastName will no longer apply. I am afraid to lose my father's last name, one that my brother and I share. Changing my name frightens me because somehow I feel I won't be as close to my father or brother, if I do not share their last name. I realise this is irrational and ludicrous, but it is one of my fears about all the changes that will occur when I marry C.

I am glad to have this new beginning with C. I choose him as my new 'first' family and I am (for the most part) happy to take his name. I will be sad to 'lose' my childhood name, but that name will always be mine and a part of me. I am not just Danielle Lastname. My identity transcends my name. The last name I share with my father and brother will always be mine and a part of me.

When I take C's last name, it will be for 'our family'. For us. For the children we may bring into the world one day. I choose C and I choose his last name. An ending for me. A beginning for us.