A little honesty. And negativity.

I am always trying to see the good in everything. In each day. In the lady with the pram who ran me and a little, old lady over.

But today, I would like to admit that, despite having an amazing life. This is really hard. It's hard that I have a job I love that doesn't actually cover all my expenses or give me the full-time hours that I need.

It's hard for me to love someone so fiercely and immensely that I have pretty much given up my whole life for him. I think it's a little bit hard for him to see me do that, too.

It sucks that, like I tweeted earlier, everytime I contact my parents or my best friend, I am reminded of all that I am missing. And it really does feel like a little part of me is dying.

I am trying, everyday, to change that feeling. And you know what? That sucks, too.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, loathe entirely, being such a 'Debbie Downer'. (Bonus points if you know where the beginning of that last sentence is from!) But sometimes, I like to wallow in my despair. I think it helps me appreciate the good days and the great times. Knowing the sources of my upset help me to fight them better and it makes me stronger.

But, honestly, it sucks.

So, if you've been wondering where I have been since my return to England at the beginning of December, well, I've been wallowing. And working. Working through my wallowing. Getting to a better place now.

Another Sunday Poem

The October Garden
by Molly Fisk

If you were zinnia, still bright
in the October garden and I the last
orange cosmos. If you were catmint blue
draping yourself over the cinder block wall
and I the weed coming up through gravel.
If you were the bamboo pole, listing
under the weight of late green tomatoes
that will never ripen now, and I
the frayed string that binds them. If
you were heavy purple grapes dangling
over the canted railing and I the feasting
thrush. If you were summer's echo
in yellow coreopsis and I the tall sedum,
autumn-flushed. If you were the sun
breaking slant over that little grove of aspens
across the street, if you were hummingbird's
quick wing, if you were winter coming on
or the studious worm and I the turned
earth, the patch of moss beneath an oak,
the oak's sharp-edged leaf ready to crackle
underfoot, the white-throated sparrow's
familiar three descending notes in a minor
key, oh, if only I were sometimes
you and you were me.

-

This was a marvelous weekend. It was filled with gales of rain and laughter, cuddles and pie. We had family time and wedding time and couple time and alone time. And it was perfect.

Do you think romantic chemistry is instant or evolving?

Have you ever given someone a second (or third) chance and lived to regret it? Have you ever fallen in love with someone you didn't particularly like or desire at first?

I think romantic chemistry can be both instant and evolving. Some people meet their significant other and have an instant connection that never waivers. Others take their time, either for personal or social reasons, to get to know and love someone.

I have never been the girl who immediately falls head over heels in love. I have never been in love at first sight with any of my ex-boyfriends. I did not fall in love with C at first sight (it probably helps that I was in a relationship with someone else when I first met C. The other relationship had concluded long before we got together.)

Giving second (and third) chances is also not really something I have done. I tend to make important decisions like that and stick with them. I don't think it is (or would be) fair for me to date someone I did not like (even platonically) more than once. If I think it's going somewhere, I say. If I don't, I try to be gently honest.

Around the time I graduated high school, there was a guy that I hadn't really taken any notice of. At our first meeting, I was not at all impressed with him. In fact, I recall that I thought he was a waste of time and a bit conceited. One of my friends was quite into him, but he was not into her. He convinced me to go on a few dates with him and I realised that we had similar goals and aspirations. I enjoyed spending time with him and I did fall in love with him. Unfortunately, falling in love with him cost me a friend. And he did end up breaking my heart.

But without him, I never would have met, befriended and fallen in love with C. We have been together 4 and 1/2 years and I hope that we are able to build a great, happy life together.